Personal Growth

Becoming the Woman, You Needed When You Were Younger

By Phyllis Bowman

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Losing my mother at the age of nine was the biggest loss I would face in life. As a grown woman, I realized that I needed my mother’s presence, continued guidance and support with making many decisions that would affect me later in life. I needed that unconditional love and consistent encouragement and reassurance that a mother gives to her children. I needed her confidence.

I often wonder what my life would have turned out like if my mother was around at least through my mid to late twenties. I had my dad, but it was not the same. He was caring and at times supportive, but it was not like having a mother’s presence. He was focused on discipline and making sure the bills were paid and that we could finish school.

Although losing my mother so young was tragic, nothing was lost. I can remember different things about her, and things she said and things she would teach me and my siblings the short time she was in our lives. I can remember what a good cook she was and how smart she was. I remember she could draw well, and she could sew and make clothes. I remember she would tell me that I could do whatever I wanted to do, and that I could become great at whatever I decided to do in life, and so I drew from that, because that is where her guidance ended.

Personal growth is not about having everything figured out or everything you feel you need. I came to understand this later in my adult life. My experience made me strong, and it made me strive to be the best I could be. My experience also helped me to recognize it was ok to be the woman I was becoming even though it looks different from how I thought I would be.

What is it that you needed as a young girl that you did not receive? Do not allow circumstances, situations, and certain limitations to hold you back. Allow yourself to evolve beyond expectations, labels, and limitations. Recognize that the woman you are becoming can look different from who you thought you would be and it is ok. Growth is giving yourself permission to change without apologizing for it.

We all experience life happening and things we never anticipated happening, but we must learn to become the voice that we needed to hear as a young girl. Practice telling yourself those things like you are well able, your voice matters, you do not have to shrink yourself, and that your dreams are possible. Begin speaking those words to yourself today and encourage other black women and girls with the same affirmations.

I am a proud mother of two, and seeing them grown, happy, and successful brings me so much joy. I may have been overprotective at times and deeply involved in their lives, whether it was their sports, academics, or the many things they were pursuing. But one thing has always been certain: they know they have my guidance, love, and support, even now as adults.

As a mother, I wanted to give them something I knew I had missed growing up, the presence, guidance, and support of my own mother. I understood how important a mother’s guidance was to me, and I wanted to make sure my children never questioned whether they could count on me. Being there for them has always been one of the greatest joys of my life.

CABWCEI believes in creating spaces where Black women and girls can grow, lead, connect, and thrive. Personal growth does not happen in isolation or being limited by what has happened to them in the past; community can help us discover our voices and recognize our possibilities. When one woman grows, she can help create a pathway for another woman to grow by sharing what she learned through her experience. When we invest in Black women and girls by sharing our stories, we help shape stronger communities for tomorrow.